It’s not all bad.
There are so many things. So many great things. I like my life. It is not perfect, it is messy, there are things I wish I could change, but I love it fiercely and feel so lucky to have it because it is mine.
The boys and I had a weekend to ourselves after Christmas that I loved so much. I like it when it is just us three.
Gus is playing basketball and doesn’t care who wins or loses, he just likes to dance backwards while going up and down the court.
We went out for lunch, Mexican food, and sat in the sun.
Then we went for a nature walk and to a playground we’d never been before. The boys whopped and cheered and climbed a giant rope ladder.
“I love this!” they said. “I love this place!”
We stayed for an hour, climbing, swinging, playing.
We didn’t have to do anything or go anywhere or see anyone. No responsibilities. We had the day and we could spend it however we chose. And I love that kind of day the most.
We were together in the world. The sun was shining. It was cold, but we were warm.
The boys are seven and eleven. I don’t know how many more days we’ll have like this.
That’s why, sometimes, I feel the need to protect myself, against my parents. To not let them take all my time, all my happiness, all my joy and drown it in their misery. I have to keep a space for us, for me and the boys and my husband, our place in the light. While we have it.